MANVICE WITH DARIN LEE: Ladies please read.


"I calls em' like I sees em."

Hello again. I was recently tracked down by the Garcia sisters and have been asked to tailor this next piece towards the ladies, try to give them some sort of insight on how a man thinks, and since it is almost Hallmark Day, give some good  ideas on gifts woman can get their man.  Oh...but be careful what you wish for because this is Man-Vice and I calls em' like sees em'.

I hear a lot of women in relationships complaining about two main things: 1) Their man not communicating with them and 2) Their man being lazy.
Let me school you girls on why you believe this to be true, and how to manipulate the situation for the greater good of the relationship and possibly all of mankind.

Woman have no idea the effect you actually have on your man's day to day operations. I know you think we don't ever think of you–but we do. We just don't think about you in the way you want us to, and we don't talk as much as you do, and one thought is easily replaced by another. As fast as a thought has popped up in our head that tells us it would be nice to do something extra special for our significant others, it is replaced with hunger and/or the letters on the passing sign that read "Beer Special".  It is not that we don't love you. As a man It is a struggle for us to stay focused. We need incentive. It is just how we are made.

First, let's tackle the not talking enough and sharing with you thing.
For one, most guys don't dwell on a particular matter for too long. The other thing is that we don't talk much. Unless we are angry, aroused and/or intoxicated, we pretty much stay quiet. And we've learned early on, that if you're the type of guy who shares his every feeling with a woman, that you've quickly made a new 'friend'. I read a study that men speak 5-15 thousand words in a day compared to a woman's 25-35 thousand. Communication is a struggle for most couples and is the key for a solid relationship, and I know men and women communicate in different ways. I don't want to make excuses for men, but ladies, let me give you a little incite on how a man is brought up, and why we communicate the way we do.

We weren't always like this. As a young boy, being raised by mom while dad was at work, we found ourselves in touch with all of our feelings. Not afraid to share. We shared every feeling that came to mind. Mom told us we were special and encouraged communication. Then she sent us to school for an education.

A man, from the time he's carried to kindergarten kicking and screaming, is put in social situations with other males where his survival is based on two things:  1) How big and tough he is and 2) Knowing when to keep his mouth shut.
Me being of average height and build, used the ladder technique to my advantage as most men do. Growing up I would see kids get the snot beat out of them because they thought it was okay to share which toy their mama bought them over the weekend. See, these are feelings that get stomped out of you at a very young age and continue throughout your entire life. From the school yard bully throwing sand in your eyes for the first time, to your high school baseball couch calling you a girl so you'll play like a man, to your boss screaming at you over the phone because you should've caught his mistake. You learn very quickly to keep your mouth shut and keep your guard up. I knew kids in middle school that literally  became cool from not talking. One kid became the class president. I know women expect the man to be the leader of the relationship, the head of the household, but this also means we feel everything first. We take life off the forehead. It is also why we die first. So bare with us and give us some grace.

Bonds are made over the sharing of silence between men.  I worked with a guy for a year and we didn't say more than two words to each other and I am proud to say he is currently one of my best friends. Men respect silence. Ben Franklin was known to have spoken few words during the debates of our fore fathers but when he spoke, he spoke precisely and with purpose, and was good with the ladies, all while having syphilis and gout. He understood the power of communication. But that guy was like eighty. He had his whole life to hone his words and make them precise, not to mention, he was a genius. Most of us guys only have the not talking that much and sleeping a lot part down. We need time to hone our craft girls. But don't worry, we will get there some day. When we are 80, we can sit together and talk and talk and laugh and you will be impressed with the depth of our words. It will be awesome, but for right now we want to have sex.

That brings me to our second subject: Men being lazy.
I blame it on you, girls. No, I am just joking. In all seriousness it is every mans job to provide for his family, but girls, you must understand a man only moves if there is incentive (or a court order). You must motivate us. And what motivates us?  No, not money. Men don't care about money. We care about sex. Money is just another means to sex.  I know you think it is sad to hear we are only motivated by sex.  We know it's sad too, but we are shameless, we are men!  Men will give up their life for a woman they barely know if future sex is a possibility or past sex was involved. Wars have been fought over this. I know it scares you. You fear what you don't understand, but you shouldn't fight it or try to change it. Because you will lose. Instead, embrace it as your ultimate weapon. Use it to your advantage women! We don't even care if you do, because at least we know you are thinking about sex.  Don't misunderstand me.  I am not suggesting sex be used as a weapon for evil, but an instrument for good. Give us incentive!

GIRL- "Hey Hubby/boyfriend, I need this task done today. Can you do that?
BOY - "I don't know, my day is  filling up pretty quickly and..."
GIRL - "If you do I'll give you a little something special and you can be drunk."
BOY- "UH YES PLEASE! What ever you need babe".

It is that easy. It will work. I promise. The only down side is you will actually have to have sex.

But heed my warning woman.  Whatever you do, sex should never be used for evil, never withhold out of spite or use as punishment for a chore ignored. For we will turn on you and you and your power will be lost forever or until you find another man.

Furthermore, you girls are our best friends. We will be closer to you than anyone on this planet.  We share intimate details with you that we would never share with anyone else. You are the love of our lives. We are simple creatures with simple pleasures and you are the complicated woman. But we love that you are different than us. You make us spend our money on things that we don't see why we need, but later realize we do like dining room tables and paintings. You make our houses and apartments smell nice and our beds have pillow cases. With out you, there would be no romantic comedies and Mathew Maconahay would be homeless. You let us know we need a haircut two weeks before we actually do. You let us know when we drink too much and that cigarettes are bad for us. You care for us and we love you. But that's not why we married you. We married you because you do all of that and you let us have sex with you.

Hope this helps. Happy Valentines Day!

Married woman should be having sex with there husbands at least two times a week, no kids three times. Remember motivation, incentive, reward. Try it girls. It will work.

**Gift Ideas:
Men like nice things but with a utilitarian purpose. A nice watch that has a compass, a nice leather duffle bag, (You can get both of those at Fossil), a nice electric shaver, Rayban sunglasses (Stay classic, get wayfarers or aviators, no gucci), a pair of nice army style lace up boots, (Aldo in the Galleria.) 

Gifts on a budget: V-neck T-shirt from Urban Outfitters, ammo for his gun (Just ask him what type of gun he has and write it down. Go to Academy and tell the guy behind the glass shelf of guns and he will set you up - 2 boxes of 50 bullets should do it), nice shampoo, creams and lotions, cologne (For shampoo I like Kerastase, for lotion I like Aveda and for cologne I like La Nuit De L'Homme by Yves Saint Laurent).  Remember we will never buy that stuff but we don't mind if you buy it for us.